Hello, 28, nice to make your acquaintance.
The amusing part about getting older is you view everything with increased detail and observation. You notice time moving quicker, the world spinning at a more rapid pace than you previously recall. The days blur into weeks, weeks into months, and suddenly…
For my birthday last year I decided to voice how I really felt about living with an intestinal disease. “It’s kind of a funny story: 10 years with Crohn’s” was a creative production that was something I needed to do to properly explain what it really felt like to be a prisoner within my own body – and my mind.
The truth is, “IKOAFS” was meant to be a letting go exercise for me, a way to withdrawal my body image issues out from my head and into reality so I could release them from my conscience. And at first, thats exactly what it did. I got a small taste of freedom, what it really meant to love me for me, even if it was simply for a month or so.
But some things change and some sensations don’t last forever, allowing other feelings that you thought were gone to creep back into the deepest parts of your psyche. Every inch of progress I swore I had made seemed gone and my new attitude on life looked like it was just a front I had engineered to make myself pretend I was a new person.
What the hell went wrong?
How could I allow this to occur? I thought I was doing so well and now, just a few weeks after I poured my soul out onto the internet, I felt like a complete fraud. I’m a liar, an absolute cheat who had just told the world “hey, I feel fucking fabulous!” when really, I felt like a flabby lump of flesh who couldn’t even eat a piece of cheese without puking everywhere. Everything was bullshit again.
Until something happened – I stepped on a Norwegian flight bound for the UK. More specifically, for London.
I’ve been rambling about my experiences overseas for months now. It’s annoying at this point. But the truth is, the traveling I’ve been doing, the places I’ve been, the adventures I’ve had, they’ve saved me. More so than that, they’ve reminded me to just stop and live for a second. The people I’ve come across and met and let into my life have continuously emphasized and encouraged my right to indulge in happiness. It’s a pretty incredible life – why do I continue to not revel in that?
So, quick reset and immediate observation: I’m ridiculous and the world does not spin around me simply because I have to hang around the toilet more often than others. Things could be so much more difficult and one day, they most likely will be. For now, though, lets take it day to day and appreciate the world.
I can’t say I won’t have my moments, or hours, or even weeks where I won’t be discouraged. At least now I know it’s ok to be honest about it.
Thank you to Wakey, Kav, Stubber, Roo, Harry, Ricky and Fenton for reminding me to slow down whilst simultaneously never forgetting to live. You 7 have done more for me than you may ever realize and I am forever in your debt.
And thank you to Chris for patiently staying by my side and never letting me hit the bottom. You’re my strength and guardian and I couldn’t do this without you.
“Heaven take my soul and England keep my bones.” -Shakespeare
Photos by Anna Demarco at Anna Demarco Photography